Let me start off by saying I think I have a problem.
I somehow manage to make very minute issues into big problems, or ones significant enough that it affects my demeanor, the way I interact, the way I think.
Today is one of those days.
You see, I was with the man I love today. We were alone in a room, then we ate lunch (which was lightly spectacular), and we had our haircut together. A lovely way to spend the day as two men in love, isn’t it?
The day wasn’t perfect, however. I have a big problem whenever I am with a person, but they just keep on being on their phone anyway, despite planning to be together.
Unfortunately, it’s an even bigger issue when it’s your boyfriend doing it to ya. And damn, do I feel almost disgusting inside.
The thing is, I’m starting to think that maybe I’m just not worth his time, you know? Like, maybe I should be entertaining enough to keep his attention to me? Have I gone boring? Have I gone uninteresting?
I sort of hate that I don’t hate him, a little angry at most, but I’m angry mostly at myself.
Right now, there are questions running back and forth in my mind.
Why are you so boring, uninteresting? Why are you so not worth being paid attention to? Why are you such a sad piece of shit for demanding attention, when you don’t deserve it?
Why are you making this into such a huge issue?
I don’t know. It’s how I feel right now. I’m incredibly broken down inside that I couldn’t bring myself to watch things I’m interested in. I can’t bring myself to be happy, man.
The thoughts of worthlessness return, and they’ve become familiar company to me now. I’m almost feeling incredibly pathetic that I want them to stay, just so I don’t have to be alone.
Maybe the reality is, no one really cares, you know. And maybe I should accept that. Maybe I’m important, but not important enough.
A little too much, a liability.
I don’t blame them. I understand. I wouldn’t want anything to do with me, too.
Until next time, readers, if anyone does happen to read this. Hopefully, the next one won’t be as depressing.